Fights in the Family - How do we deal with conflicts?

Oh, I love that, O hymn, as you're all on the altar. That one has ministered to me for years. I think about that line we were just singing, "Would you walk with the Lord in the light of His word?" Think about that. Many times we want to walk with the Lord in light of our experience and our feelings, opportunities. Of course, those things are legitimate. We do walk with the Lord. Feelings are a part of that. We walk with the Lord through opportunities, things like that. But, oh, we need to walk with the Lord in the light of His word. If the word will guide us in our walk, I'm telling you we'll be somewhere. That ministered to me.

I appreciate that. Well, if you would just take your Bible and turn back to Matthew, Chapter 18. I did say that we're going to be there in a few verses, verses 15, 16, and 17. Just have your Bible turned there. We'll get there here in a few minutes. Now, there are certain sins that if they come into the lives of God's people, into their homes and into the church, those sins can truly bring about great destruction in the home and in the life of the church. And those sins can definitely mar and mutilate the reputation of the home and the church in the community. Let me give us an example here. It's a brutal example.

If we had a leader in the life of our church and they were to commit adultery and leave their family well, that sin would bring about terrible distress, terrible destruction into their home and into the life of the church. And those sins would definitely mar the reputation of the church in our community. Isn't that right? We have seen things like adultery. We've seen things like homosexuality. We've seen things like divorce and drug or alcohol abuse. We've even seen things like domestic violence and crooked business dealings. Many, many other such sins.

We have seen sins like this, sins of this magnitude come into the lives of members of a church. And we have seen the distress and the destruction from those sins that have been brought into the home and into the life of the church. And we have seen the reputation of the home and the church marred and mutilated as a result. Some of us could name names and tell some stories. But there is a particular type of sin that we must not overlook and we must be prepared to deal with biblically. That is unresolved conflicts, disagreements and fights which can come into the lives of God's people.

Those things can come into the lives of God's people, into their families and even into the life of the church. And let me tell you something. Unresolved conflicts and disagreements that lead to fights and bitterness and resentment and broken relationships can be just as destructive as those sins that I named earlier. And you tell me how many lives and how many homes and churches have been damaged and even destroyed because of unresolved conflicts, disagreements and fights which have spawned a whole host of sins. And Christian reputations have been marred and mutilated as a result.

This morning I want us to look at what I'm calling fights within the family. How to deal with conflict. And that's the title of the message. Fights within the family. How do we deal with conflict? And this applies to the family of God. This would be the church. And this applies also to our families, our homes, those people that we live with. And the church in the home is where I'm gonna make all of our application this morning. Now before I get into the verses, I wanna make a couple of statements. I wanna set us all straight and I wanna raise the bar.

First of all, conflicts and disagreements will eventually come into the lives of God's people. Conflicts and disagreements will eventually come into the home and even come into the church. It is inevitable. Although we are redeemed sinners and we have received grace, we still wrestle with sin and we still wrestle with the flesh and we can even still wrestle with sin in relationships. And then second, bitterness, resentment, and fights and broken relationships from conflicts and disagreements are not acceptable for God's people. These things are not acceptable for God's people in both the home and in the church.

Although we are redeemed sinners and we still wrestle with sin within relationships, these things are not acceptable for God's people under any circumstance. You see what I mean by setting us all straight and raising the bar? So the question is not, will these things come our way? The question is this, how do we deal with these things when they do come our way? And I wanna add to that one question, will we deal with these things according to God's word and according to God's ways? Again, the title of the message, "Fights Within the Family." How do we deal with conflict?

Now it may surprise some of you, but our first step in dealing with disagreements and conflicts and even fights within the lives of God's people is found right here in these verses that we read earlier. Now I have called these verses the prescription and principles for church discipline. I preached on that and even used that in the title of the message. And here in these verses, we find the guiding principles and the guiding plan to address disagreements and conflicts and even fights in the church and even in the home. And from these verses this morning, I wanna examine three points of teaching.

It's real easy for you to write down and remember. First, the problem of sin. Second, the process of dealing with sin. And then third, the purpose in dealing with the sin. It all flows together. Easy for you to remember, easy for you to write down. You can abbreviate it by saying we're gonna look at the problem, the process and the purpose. So first, I want us to see the problem of sin. Look back at verse 15. If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained or won your brother. Now right away, we see the problem in verse 15.

Verse 15 speaks of a sin which is committed against another. Now this against you is really not in the original language. But scholars believe that it is understood within the text. That is why against you is footnoted in some translations like the New American Standard. But there are translations such as the English Standard version which I'm reading from this morning. They use against you in the verse because scholars do believe that it is within the teaching and understood in the teaching. Well that shows us that this problem can be understood in two ways.

There can be a situation where one is sinned against directly by word or by deed or a lot of other ways. But there can be a broader offense or a less direct offense. There can be a situation where one sins not necessarily against another, but that sin still offends or that sin still hurts another. So we have a problem here. Sin has been committed but there's more. This problem of sin is between two individuals. But more specifically, verse 15 says that this is a brother. This is a fellow Christian because Christians are often called brothers and sisters in the scriptures. Simply we or they all belong to the same Christian family.

We are in the family of the redeemed, the family of God. We have a common savior and we are all part of this thing called the family of God. So we have this problem of sin among brothers. You can say brothers, sisters. We have this problem in the family of God. A brother or a sister is sin against a brother or a sister either directly or indirectly, but there's an obvious offense. But there's even more. This problem of sin between two brothers or sisters or Christians is within the church. Two times Jesus uses the word church in these texts. Here Jesus is referring to the assembly of God's people.

You have heard this term, this is the called out ones. But this does not refer to a specific church, no. Here Jesus is referring to the church at large. And the local churches that will be in time, they will come to be. This verse here anticipates the New Testament church that resulted from the work of God there at Acts chapter two. I have often said that the church was born in Acts two. All that Jesus spoke here applies to the local churches that would come to be and that started off in Acts two.

The church started with that local church there in Jerusalem and then it continued with all of those other New Testament local churches that did come to be. So look at what we have here. We have a sin problem between two brothers. One brother, one sister has sinned against another either directly or indirectly. And this takes place within the church because the church is the arena in which Christians live out the Christian life. Now right here I believe we need to make a few observations and application. We need to see there's a few lessons here that come out of these verses and apply to what we're aiming at this morning.

First of all, Christians can induce sin. You might say pastor, you said that earlier. We need to be reminded of that folks. That's why I say we need to be set straight here. No believer gets to a place where they are free from sin while living in this world. But then second, Christians can sin in such a way where other believers in the church can be offended or grieved or hurt. The possibility of a Christian sinning in such a way where even multiple believers in the church, they are offended, that is a real, real possibility.

And we must see that conflicts and disagreements that lead to bitterness and resentment and fights and broken relationships can certainly be a real problem in the life of the church unless, unless, unless we learn how to be good peacemakers. And if we become good peacemakers and we're gonna work to do that, first we can keep these things from coming into our lives and into the church. And then second, when they do, we will work hard to bring about peace. What about the home? It's easy to see how this applies to the church. But how does this apply to the home and home life? Christians can and do sin at home.

As a matter of fact, sometimes disagreements, conflicts and fights can escalate in a home in such a way that it leads to bitterness and broken relationships. Yes, even in Christian homes. So I have to ask you this morning and I'm dependent upon the Holy Spirit of God to apply this teaching here to you. Do you have unresolved conflict in any kind of a disagreement between a brother or a sister in this church? If you do, you must follow the process and the plan that is lined out here in these verses.

Otherwise you're gonna be disobedient to the word and you're gonna sin against God and you're gonna sin against brothers and sisters in the church. And also I have to ask, do you have unresolved conflict and disagreements in your home, in your own family? Maybe nobody knows about it. If you do, that is not of God. It is a sin and you need to see how the rest of the teaching here applies to your situation. And I'm gonna help you see how this applies to your situation. But remember what we are addressing. Fights within the family and how do we deal with conflict? But we also see the process of dealing with sin.

We see this in verse 15 on down to verse 17. I want us to see the process of dealing with the sin. Let's go back to the verses. If your brother or sister, another Christian, sins against you, go and tell him or her, tell them his or her fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile or a tax collector.

Now look at what we have in front of us. We have the problem of sin in the lives of believers and sin where another brother or a sister is offended, they are hurt. And this is a sin that we cannot just let go. This is a sin that must be addressed and it must be dealt with. Well, what do we do? Think about that. A brother sins against you, you forgive them, you let that go. You see a sister in sin, they get that sin straight, you let that go. But we have a sin either indirectly or directly and somehow, someway, you cannot let that go. Well, what do we do?

Here in these verses, we have a four step process that deals with the sin and the sinner that is grieved or has offended. We have a four step process that we are expected to follow when someone has sinned against us in such a way that we cannot let that go. That sin hadn't been dealt with and it must be addressed. So I'm gonna speak to this four step process. I'm gonna explain it, step one, step two, step three, step four, you can follow me. So step one, tell the sinning brother or sister of their sin alone. Look back at verse 15. If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.

The text says, go and tell him his fault between you and them, you and him alone. We must see that this is not a casual meeting, this is a serious meeting. And we see this in the construction of the language. The construction of the language implies that this situation should be pursued without delay, without distraction. And the intention of this meeting is to work hard at convincing the sinning brother or sister. The idea here is of exposing or bringing to light what is taking place. So this is a serious meeting, it's a very sober thing. Well notice the result. If the sinning brother or sister listens, then they are one back.

He or she has been gained back, they have been restored. Now I will explain what this gain means when we look at the purpose of these things. But what if he or she is not one over? What do we do if they will not listen? Well step two. Step two, you take one or two witnesses alone. Look at verse 16. But if he or she does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. It's clear, the text says, if this one does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.

Now this instruction really comes from the Old Testament. Many of you know this. This comes from Deuteronomy 19.15. This law was established to prevent the spreading of unconfirmed slanderous information. So in this next step, the offended brother should take one or two believers as witnesses. Now what is the purpose here? First, this is to apply spiritual pressure to the sinning brother, to encourage them towards repentance. The purpose is that the additional witnesses would convince the sinner to repent, but also these witnesses are for protection. The presence of two or three witnesses protect all that are involved.

The witnesses protect the accused and the accuser, both, and really this protection is a lot. The witnesses protect against false accusations. The witnesses protect against any kind of abuse within the process, and even against the conversations moving in a sinful direction, you see. So there are many, many reasons in taking the witnesses, as you can see. Well, if the sinning brother listens to all of the witnesses, well, you have won your brother over. They are restored, they are gained back. And again, I will explain what this one over, this gain means when we look at the purpose of these things.

But what if this second step is not successful? What do we do? Well, step number three. Verse 17 says that we tell these matters to the church. Go back and look at the verses. Verse 17, "And if he refuses to listen to them," this would be the witnesses, "and the one that is grieved, tell it to the church." Well, the text clearly says that if they refuse to listen, the text says, "Tell it to the church." Now, this is shocking to some, but this is the next step to bring this sinning brother or sister, and it is to bring them before the church in some context.

Now, this next step involves bringing the situation to the church and calling the church, or a portion of the church, to make efforts to win this sinning brother or sister back, you see, and notice the progression. The offended brother went to the sinning brother, but there was no repentance. Next, two or three went to this sinning brother, but there was still no repentance. And next, after the church was brought into the situation, or a portion of the church was brought into the situation, the church or groups within the church, they seek to win this brother back. But again, what if this third step is not successful?

Step four, and this seems harsh, but it's in the text. Verse 17 says, "Treat the sinning brother or sister like an outsider." Verse 17, "If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church." And if he refuses to listen even to the church, or a portion of the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Now this simply means that they are to be turned out and treated as an outsider in that day in which Jesus wrote these things and said these things. A tax collector was a Jew, and they had become a traitor to the Romans.

They had become a tax collector, really even an extortioner, because they extorted money from their own people in the process of collecting taxes. This simply means they were to be put out, they were to be treated as a traitor. Now this does not mean that Jesus is calling his people to mistreat this one, no. This simply means they are to be treated as one as outside the church, they are in their sin, they refuse to repent. I'll give you an additional verse here that will help you. Many of you, quite a few of you, probably need to go study this circumstance. It's found in 1 Corinthians chapter five, verses nine to 11.

And really all of those verses in that situation. But here in 1 Corinthians five, Paul is dealing with an unrepentant brother. Yes, a very unrepentant brother in a bad situation. The church discipline process did not bring about repentance and restitution. And Paul says in verse 11, do not even eat with such a wine. Now what does that mean? Eating a meal together was a sign of accepted fellowship in that day, and it really isn't our day. And to sit down and to eat with one who is unrepentant and who has been put out of the church would be to extend the hand of Christian fellowship.

They were to be treated more as an outcast, not as a brother or a sister. They were to be treated more as a lost person than a saved person, not out of pride and not out of persecution. We're gonna address this a little later as well. So look at what we have here. God's word clearly gives us a four step process and plan so that sin which comes between brothers and sisters in the life of the church, it can be dealt with and dealt with properly. And again, this is a sin that can't be overlooked. This would be some kind of a sin that grieves a believer so much so that it must be dealt with. It must be dealt with to overcome it.

This is a sin that's still in the life. It's not repented of, it has hurt other people. It's a whole host of things. And for us, we must see how this relates to disagreements and conflicts that can lead to a whole host of other sins in the life of the church, fighting and factions and bitterness and broken relationships and the such. But look, if a brother or a sister in the life of this church offends you in such a way directly or indirectly, you cannot let that turn into a disagreement. You cannot let that turn into a conflict. We cannot let that turn into a fight that turns into resentment and bitterness and broken relationships.

Listen, that is not of God. We've already raised the bar. And it destroys people and Christians and homes and churches. So because we deal with these things, God's way, we follow the plan and the process that's right here for us. We go to that person alone. Yeah, we go to their home, we ask to meet with them. And if repentance and restitution cannot be brought about, well, we seek the help of a more mature believer. We go to a small group leader or a stronger believer in our small group and we ask them to come help us.

And if at that point, repentance and restoration cannot be brought about, then maybe you seek out the help of one of the leading men in our church, maybe even one of the pastors in the life of the church. And look, if a sin leads to conflict, if some kind of a sin or circumstance leads to disagreements and those things cannot be resolved by the two or more witnesses, that is when you get your pastors involved. It is the job of elders to know when these things should be brought to the place of bringing them before the church. Sadly, we've had to do this before in the life of the church. Some of you know that.

And remember what happens in those circumstances. Oh, when a sinning person comes to a place where they have to be removed from the fellowship, it protects the church and it proves those for who they really are. If they're a brother, they're gonna come back in repentance. But oh, sometimes it proves them not to be a sheep, but a wolf. But how does this apply to the home? Some of you could be thinking, well, pastor, there's a little disconnect here to the home. It's really easy to see how this applies to the church, but how does this apply to the family? Actually, this applies in a big way, in two ways I wanna show you.

First, in this process, we see that sin is dealt with and the sinner is addressed. You see, in the process, the sin, the grievance, the hurt and the sinner is addressed. Look, folks, the sin of conflict and disagreements that lead to bitterness and resentment and fighting in the home, it must be dealt with. It cannot be left alone. It cannot be left to fester and to grow. How many families allow this kind of sin to just continue and grow in the life of their family? I mean, behind closed doors where no one can see. How many families allow these kind of sins to continue to grow and fester in the life of their family?

And in time, relationships are broken. And in time, there's great distress brought into the family. And oh, if this is all left alone, in time, the family and family relationships can even be destroyed. I've seen it. And then second, in this process, we see that other believers are brought in to help with the sin that cannot be dealt with alone, you see? And look, the sin of conflict and disagreements that can lead to all of these other sins, it can be difficult to deal with in the home. How many families have this kind of sin in the home and they need help in resolving these issues? They just need help. And where should the help come from?

Brothers and sisters in the life of the church, folks. So we must be good peacemakers here, folks. In the life of the church and in our homes and in our families, disagreements and conflicts must never be allowed to grow. They must never be allowed to fester in the bitterness and fighting and factions in broken relationships. We must be good peacemakers. And then we see what I call the purpose in dealing with the sin. This is what I call the purpose in dealing with the sin. Now we find this in verse 15. You might notice that I'm taking these things a little bit out of order, but I did that for a reason. Let's go back to verse 15.

If your brother or sister or another Christian sins against you, you go and you tell him his or her fault between you and them alone. If he listens to you, you have gained, some translations say, "Won't your brother." Now the true purpose of all these things is right here in verse 15. I've alluded to this and I've said I would get to this. But I want us to know how very important this is. If we are to treat conflicts and disagreements that lead to bitterness and fights and broken relationships as the sin that it truly is, well, we have to engage in discipline.

And if we are going to do these things God's way and no other way, we must see the purpose of it all. Let me pause here right here. There's only one way to deal with these things, folks. God's way, church after church after church, deal with these things the wrong way, the world's way, and it always leads to ruin. The only way is God's way. So if you're afraid of these verses, don't be. If you run from these verses, you're gonna go to a man's way and it always leads to destruction. So the purpose, it's really simple, restoration. Restoration through repentance and in love.

The purpose of this work is to restore the sinning believer back to a right relationship with God and back to a right relationship with believers and the church, all those who have been hurt, even if it's just one. Now take a look at this word gained in verse 15. The English standard and the King James used the word gained. The New American uses the word won. The New American reads, you have won your brother over, but we can't make a mistake here. This does not mean that you have won or gained your brother or sister over to your side. No, that comes from pride. We're gonna deal with that here in a moment.

In the original language, this work of gaining or winning, it speaks of accumulating things of value. This speaks of getting wealth. The idea here is that the sinning brother or sister is like lost treasure. They are misplaced, they are lost. Why? Because they are in sin, they're out of step with God in the church and believers, but they are of great value. So first they are of great value to God. Look folks, a sinning brother is of great value to God. And then second, to the individual brother or sisters, they must be of great value. And then third, they must be of great value to the church. How many churches just shoot their wounded?

How many churches are full of believers who just ostracized the struggling believer? So we see the purpose here is all about winning that sinning brother or sister back to this right relationship with God and with the offended believer or believers and the church and the purpose is restoration. Restoration through repentance and restitution and it's all saturated in love. Did not we sing about the imparted love of God in our lives and oh the imparted love of God in our lives empowers us and helps us to do these things in love. And look at how this applies to the life of the church.

The purpose in dealing with the sin of conflict and disagreements and the sins that are produced by all of those things in love and with the love of Christ, we desire restoration. We desire repentance and restitution and restoration. We want all involved to be restored to God, to be restored to us and to be restored in every way. They are of great value. And look how it applies in our families and homes. The purpose in dealing with the sin of disagreements and conflicts and all of those other sins that come about, look in love and with the love of Christ in us, we desire restoration in the home.

We want repentance, we want restitution, we want restoration, we want all in the family to be restored to God, to be restored into our right relationship with other and oh, when that happens, peace and joy and love can come into the home and look, when you have peace, love and joy in the home, God's there. And look church, good peacemakers want repentance. Good peacemakers want restitution. Good peacemakers will repent. Good peacemakers will make restitution. Good peacemakers want restoration in love for all. That is our purpose, that is our motive. Now as we move away from the verses, now there's a whole lot more we could say here.

I wanna give us a few warnings that can really help us. Now I've given you these warnings before, back on February the 14th of 2021, I preached a message called the prescription and the principles of church discipline and I dealt with these warnings. Now some of you might need to go back and listen to that message. And these warnings will definitely help us as we look to deal with the sin of unresolved conflicts and disagreements that are going to lead to bitterness, resentment, fights, and broken relationships and more. Now this comes from a book called The Master's Plan for the Church, comes from John MacArthur's material.

And I have this habit, I'll take other folks material and change it up and make it my own. But I wanna give credit where credit is due. But first, the first warning. There is this warning against pride. See there are some who just love to see other people fail and fall. Some celebrate the demise of others. And look, any attitude like that comes from pride, not from love. The law of Christ is love. The law of Christ is love, not pride. We see the law of Christ in Galatians 6, 2. So when we are approaching a sinning brother or sister, no matter what they've done, we must check ourselves to see if we are prideful, even if they sin against us.

And we must make sure that we are saturated by love, motivated by love. The love of God is in us. And we love God and we love the truth and we love the one that is sinned. Have you ever known someone who is prideful in the life of the church? It manifests itself in all hosts and a whole host of ways, but oh, it manifests itself in a way that is unique when they're dealing with sinful brothers and sisters. The second warning, the warning against persecution. See there are some in the life of the church. They are worse than the prideful. They wanna persecute the struggling and sinning brother or sister.

Their spiritual gift can be meanness and their method is meat grinder. Their motivation is to embarrass and punish and even destroy the one that is sinned. They are prideful but more because they wanna persecute. So we must never seek to persecute a sinning brother even if they commit a horrible sin against us. And look, a love from God that is imparted from God to us is what keeps us from what? Pride and persecution. Let me show you what'll keep you from pride and persecution. Remember, remember you're just as big of a sinner as they are. And third, the third warning, the warning against passivity.

There are some who are just passive in these types of matters. When they see a believer or a brother and sister in sin, they may say something like this, "Yes, I see their sin, but I just can't say anything. "Who am I to get involved? "I'm a sinner, so how can I say anything? "I just hate to get involved. "I just hate to get in a mess like that." And just like pride is a sin, passivity is a sin as well. So we can't be passive, so passive that we will not help a struggling brother or sister who is in sin.

Look, folks, if you were in sin, would you want a brother to be passive or would you want a brother to be active to come into your life like we've discussed here? I remember years ago when we were dealing with a church discipline case, I had a man in this church walk up to me in tears, and he said humbly and quietly, "I'm so happy that I'm in a church "that if I was in sin, the church would come help me." Passivity is a sin. And then fourth, the warning to keep matters private. See, folks, discipline is not becoming the church gossip that spreads everyone's sin all around, no.

Engaging in church discipline is a very serious and a very private matter. Honestly, most discipline in a healthy church and a healthy circumstance, it remains private, even when it goes past the situation of just a one-on-one encounter. So when we are involved in seeking to correct and help a sinning brother, even when we're called to go assist and be a part of the two or three witnesses, we always keep matters private. We always keep matters private. We always keep matters private. Now, as we begin to close the message, look at what we have before us this morning. Yes, I have sought to introduce our small group study, The Peacemaker.

What is The Peacemaker all about? It is a biblical guide in resolving personal conflict. But I have also showed us this process and plan to address conflict, disagreements, and the sins that come from all of these things in the life of the church and in the life of the family. This is a standalone message and I have equipped you and I've gotten you started in the right direction. Maybe I've corrected you or reminded you. So fights in the family. How do we deal with conflict in the family of God, the church? How do we deal with conflict in our family and in our home?

We see the answer to those questions here in these verses and we will continue to answer those questions for the next few weeks on Sunday nights in our much needed small group study. So let's do this. Let's commit these things to the Lord. Let's pray and ask God to have His way in us, no matter where we may be. And if you need counsel or help here, just further instruction, I would be glad to sit down with you and help you understand these things because oh, we wanna be good students here so that we could be good peacemakers. Let's pray.