Lesson on the Roles of Wives and Husbands

Jesus paid it all and trust and obey. Those are some that we know I'm sure. Bless me. I hope those songs of worship bless you. I appreciate that. Well if you would take your Bible and turn back to Ephesians chapter 5. I know we read a large portion of scripture. By no means will we divide all of those verses. I think you know that. I'm going to refer to some of those throughout the message. You know those. We've read them and we have been studying them together. And I will mention a few of other verses that go along with the message.

It's really quite a few verses and you can get those as we travel through the message and study those on your own. Now I think most of you know that two weeks ago we started this new section of scripture and that section starts in chapter 5 verse 22 and it goes on down to chapter 6 verse 9. And we started off by examining verses 22 to 24 where Paul explains the role of a Christian wife, Christian marriage, and how she relates to her husband and all of those things. Of course there are many roles for the Christian wife. We know that. And the Christian wife certainly has many responsibilities with her many roles.

But here Paul is stating that the Christian wife is to be in submission to her husband and her husband is the head of the home and the head of her as the wife. This is the biblical standard. Now I know I say this often but I need to say it often. I do encourage you to get that message if you hadn't gotten that. I encourage you to get into those verses. I encourage you to study. Get your own study notes. Get some help there. Make sure you have a firm understanding of what verse 22 to 24 says and what it means. Make it a matter of discussion in your own home maybe with folks in your small group.

Now I want to remind you of how I started and how I ended that message. I gave us two tests. I said that all of this teaching about our roles and responsibilities would test us in two ways. First this testing will prove us for who we are and what we will be. As we are confronted with the truth of God's Word here in all of this teaching we will either obey and adjust our lives to the Scripture and the teaching thus determining to be an obedient Christian or we will disobey and refuse to adjust our lives to the Scriptures. Therefore determining who and what we will be. Determining to be disobedient even rebellious.

Now I call this the Abraham test. I know a couple of weeks ago I mentioned Abraham. I call this kind of a test the Abraham test. This is a test of proving and determining. Today you need to spend some time this week studying Genesis chapter 22 and how God tested Abraham as He called him to sacrifice his one and only son of promise. And then the second test. These verses will force us to take one of two positions.

As we are confronted with the truth of God's Word here we will either bow down and submit to the authority of God's Word the authority of the Scripture or we will reject it we will deny it and we will rebel against the authority of the Scriptures over our lives. Now I call this the trust and obey test. The trust and obey test. This is a test of authority and obedience. What were the words that we were singing earlier? Trust and obey. Trust and obey for there is no other way. Look for an obedient Christian there is no other way. Now this morning I am not going to proceed into the verses the next verses.

I think I said that earlier in our Scripture reading. We should be starting verses 25 to 33 where Paul shifts to addressing the husbands. We read those verses earlier and I will refer to a few verses out of that portion of Scripture. But look at your copy of God's Word with me. I want you to take note of something. Notice that Paul spends three verses addressing the role and the responsibility of the Christian wife. Verse 22, 23, 24. And then he spends nine verses count them. He spends nine verses addressing the Christian husband and his role and his responsibilities. Verses 25 to 33. Now this leads me to the first lesson of the message.

Lesson number one. I call this the lesson of the buck stops here. Yes the buck stops here. Now I am sure some of you have heard that expression but what does that mean the buck stops here? It means that I will not pass on a certain responsibility to someone else. This expression is used to emphasize that the final responsibility of making a decision or taking an action lies with the person using that expression. President Harry Truman made this expression popular back in 1945. He believed that the president could not pass on the responsibility of important decisions and responsibilities to others. And he lived that.

Now what I mean by using that phrase here is this. When it comes to the roles and the responsibilities within the marriage, the home, the family and family relationships it all begins and ends with the husbands. The buck starts with the husbands. Of course wives and children have roles and responsibilities as well. But let's think back to those verses. It took Paul three verses to straighten out the Christian women there in the Ephesian church but it took nine verses. Paul took nine verses to try to straighten out the Christian men in the church. Well what does that tell us?

Now I know I'm being a little humorous but I'm being serious as well. Of course we are not in our verses, verses 25 to 33 yet, but listen to what Paul is doing here. Fundamentally in verses 25 to 33 Paul sets a very high standard for us husbands. The highest of all standards. He calls us to love our wives as Christ loved the church. Look at verse 25. He says husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and He gave Himself up for her. And just with that one verse we see that Paul is elevating Christian marriage and the home to the highest level possible.

And he is elevating the responsibility of the Christian husband to the highest responsibility possible. And he spends nine verses calling the Christian husband to this highest of responsibilities. And there is quite a lot there in those nine verses. And when we get into these verses we will see that it all begins and ends with the Christian husband. Of course it takes both. Yes it takes both husband and wife but if the Christian home is going to work it begins and it ends with the husband. The buck stops here. The buck stops here. The buck stops with husbands. Now this time I want to explain what I am going to do with the rest of the message.

I have really gotten started in the body of the message already. We have covered the wife's role and responsibility in submitting to her husband. Just as the church submits to Christ Jesus as her Lord the wife also should submit in everything to her husband. That is God's standard is found right there in verses 22, 23 and 24. Now before we get into the husband's role and responsibilities in loving his wife as Christ loved the church I want us to look at four lessons. You can call these four teaching points with some much needed application of these things into our lives. Roles that we have before us in our marriages. So lesson number one.

We have really already covered it. The buck stops here. We have looked at this lesson but I want to make one more point of application here. We must see that we live in a society where men are not expected to lead. As a matter of fact to stand up and say that men are supposed to lead in the family, in the marriage, in the home that is seen as very chauvinistic. That approach is antiquated in the eyes of many. That approach is even Victorian. It is out of step and out of touch with our time and our culture. And these things can be highly, highly offensive to many in our culture and time.

We live in a society where women are told that they can lead in the home in every way just as good as a man even better. We live in a society where women believe that they do not need a husband. They do not need a father to raise children and to have a family even a normal family and a good home. Of course there is more that I could say about how our culture views these things and where all of those lives have come from and even how that has impacted us. But what is my point here? We must see that the leadership in the home begins and ends with the husbands. That is God's standard. That is God's expectation.

No matter what the society tells us, no matter what certain people tell us, even if we love them and respect them. So for us men, we must step up and we must take our place. We must assume our responsibilities as God expects us to. The buck stops here. The buck stops here. Now before we move on there are two things I want to make sure we see and accept. Husbands, men, we have the highest standard to live up to. We are not to be a better husband than our father. We are not to be a better husband than our grandfathers. We are not to be a better husband than the models that are around us no matter how good they are.

Our model, our standard is Christ. All those other standards may help and they may be good. But our standard is Christ. He is the blueprint. He is the model. He is our example. Now let me share something with you. You might go to a conference on marriage and that may help. You might go to a conference on marriage and that may hurt. You might go and pick up two or three or four or five of the best books out there on marriage and that might help and that might hurt. But let me tell you something. If you study Christ and Christ Jesus alone, that is the best model. That is the model. He is the highest standard and you don't need a conference.

A conference may be good. You don't need another man's book. That might be good. But what we definitely need and desperately need is to study Christ and to know Christ. If he is the model, shouldn't we know Christ? And we must see our responsibility here. There is no one to fill our shoes if we do not fill them. Now husbands, a couple of questions here. Could it be that your home and marriage lacks leadership because you just will not lead? Could it be? Could it be that your home and your marriage and your family, it lacks leadership because you will not step up and lead?

Husbands, could it be that your wife is having to lead because you will not? Maybe totally you will not and she has to lead? Maybe there are certain areas of your marriage and your home where you will not leave so she has to lead? Could it be that your home and marriage is going the wrong direction because you are leading the wrong way? So lesson number one, the buck stops here. And you know I thought about it like this. If you know your history, it said that Truman had a little plaque on his desk and it said the buck stops here. The reverse side said I'm from Missouri. Maybe he just wanted to remember where he came from.

But on his desk as president, there was a little plaque that said the buck stops here. Maybe for us husbands, we need a little plaque that says the buck stops here. But that plaque is only seen in our prayer closet. That plaque is only seen when we open up our Bibles and we study the model of Christ and what God expects here. You see? The buck stops here. And then lesson number two, this is what I call God's created order. God's created order. We need to see that God designed these things to be the way that they are and they should be and not men and men.

Now first off we must see that submission and authority are ordained by God and we see submission and authority in so many areas of life. First of all God, God is God and He has supreme authority, sovereign authority over all and God expects all men of mankind to submit to His authority. And then also God has given authority to governments, government officials and even kings and queens. And He expects men and mankind to submit to that God given authority. Romans 13, 1 and 2 says let every person be subject to the governed authorities for there is no authority except from God and those that exist have been instituted by God.

Verse 2, "Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed and those who resist that will incur judgment." And then also God has given authority to church leaders. He has given authority to those whom He has called and the church has appointed to those leadership positions. And He expects His people, the church to submit to that God given authority. Hebrews 13, 17 says, "Obey your leaders and submit to them for they are keeping watch over your souls as those who will give an account.

Let them do this with joy and not with groaning for that would be of no advantage to you." And then here in verses 22-23 we see that God has given authority to husbands. And He expects wives to submit to their husbands the text says in all things. And then later in chapter 6 verses 1-9 we will see that God has given authority to parents. And then we will also see that God has given authority to employers. Of course the text deals with slaves and masters but we will unpack that a little later. And think about how people, how many different people react to these things. Many people accept the authority of God.

Many people will accept the authority of government. Many people will accept the authority of parents and even their employers. But some will resist and reject this teaching concerning the roles of husbands and wives. But right here is where we must see and accept the fact that this is all part of God's created order. And this created order goes all the way back to Genesis chapter 2 even before the fall of man. We have studied these things in our small groups and our study through the book of Genesis. It has been a wonderful study. In Genesis chapter 2 we see that God created Adam first.

And we see that Adam was incomplete before God provided a wife for him. Yes, he was incomplete. He had no one to come alongside him as his helper and to assist him in fulfilling all that God had commanded him to do. God had called Adam to care for the garden, to take dominion over the earth, and to multiply and to fill up the earth. But Adam was created first and then Eve was taken from his side and given to him by God as a helper. Genesis 2.18 says, "The Lord God said, 'It is not good that man should be alone. I will make him a helper fit.'" The New American uses the word suitable, a helper suitable or fit for him.

That means that Eve was given to Adam to help him, to aid him, and to assist him. That is what this word helper in Genesis 2.18 means. She was created to be Adam's helper, not to be the one to lead. And when Adam followed her lead and when she did lead, horrific, catastrophic results. But the curse of sin on mankind in the world did not change God's created order. Sin coming into the world and affecting all of the human race did not change God's plan for marriage and the marriage relationships nor the roles and the responsibilities within the marriage. And we see this emphasized in numerous places in the New Testament.

We see this in 1 Timothy chapter 2 and also in Ephesians 5, our verses that we have been studying. Notice in 1 Timothy 2.19-15 Paul was addressing roles and responsibilities between men and women in the church. And he said in verses 11-12, "Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness." Verse 12, "I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man, rather she is to remain quiet." Now what is Paul saying here? He's saying that men are to lead in the church. Women are to learn in quiet submissiveness and women are not to exercise authority over men and man in the church.

But where does Paul get the authority to make such a statement here? Where does he get the authority to set this standard? Was Paul some kind of a male chauvinist? Did he dislike women? Oh there are people today that read this and say well Paul was anti-woman. Paul says that these standards and roles for men and women within the church are based on God's original created order. Let me repeat that. Paul says that the standards and the roles for men and women within the church are based on God's original created order.

Paul says in verse 11, we read this earlier, "Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness." "I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man, rather she is to remain quiet." And notice what he says in verse 13, "For Adam was formed first and then he." What is he saying? The original created order dictates these things. So in summarizing all of these things, it's been a lot, what is it that we need to see here? The roles and the responsibilities in relation to the husband and the wife within the marriage were established all the way back in Genesis chapter 2. And God's standards were never changed.

They've never been changed and they were never changed even when sin entered into the world. In fact within the New Testament, God's original standard is repeated. It is emphasized and it is further explained. That's what we have here in Ephesians 5. Paul is further explaining these things. And look, for all of us here, both husbands and wives, we are either going to accept God's created order or not. And to reject God's created order is to reject God. Remember what happened in the garden? Think back to what we've studied. Go all the way back to Genesis 2 and Genesis 3.

Remember what happened in the garden when Adam did not lead as God called him to? And when Eve stepped up to lead when she wasn't supposed to? They did several things by those actions. They did not fulfill their roles and their responsibilities and who did they sin against? God. And when we reject God's created order in our homes and in our marriages, it always leads to sin and that is always a rejection of God's standard and a sin against God. And for us today, it's hard. It's doubly hard. It's awful hard. Why? Because sin is entered into the human race. We're all affected by sin.

And because of sin, wives have this sinful desire to seize the lead and to seize authority in the home and in the marriage. It is within a woman to become a pirate and to take what is not hers. And husbands, husbands have the sinful desire to put their wife under their foot and to lord over them or the opposite. The husband has this sinful desire to relinquish his authority, to let go of his responsibilities and just surrender it over to his wife. So lesson number 2, we have God's created order. God has designed all of these things to be this way. So when you look at Ephesians chapter 5 starting in verse 22, just remember that's God's way.

He created it that way. And then lesson number 3, this is what I call the surprise of mutual submission. I call this lesson the surprise of mutual submission. I call this lesson the surprise of mutual submission because this is going to surprise some of you. Many of you have never heard this talk before and we need this far more than you know. Now to get into this lesson, I've really got to reveal my hypocrisy. Now I'm not going to confess sin, that's not what I mean. What I mean is this, I have said several times that this new section of teaching starts in verse 22 and it goes down to chapter 6 verse 9 and it does.

In these verses Paul deals with wives and husbands, children and parents as well as slaves and masters. But if you do any study on the language, you will see that verse 22 is connected to verse 21. And for that reason verse 21 can be a part of verses 22 and on down. And if you do some study you will see that some scholars include verse 21 with the section. But for me I think it's both. Now I'm not just riding the fence, I have a reason in saying that, let me explain it. In verse 21 Paul was saying that submitting one to another is a result of being filled with the Spirit. And I think that we should see verse 21 in that way.

One of the results of being filled with the Spirit, verse 18, is a mutual submission one to another. But Paul does connect this submitting one to another to wives submitting to their husbands. In the original language here this verb submit is found in verse 21. But there is no verb in verse 22. It is implied, it is assumed from the verse, verse 21. That is why so many scholars connect verse 21 to the teaching in verse 22 and following. And what we have here is this. In verse 21 Paul gives a general principle which is the general principle of mutual submission.

And this general principle should be applied to wives and husbands, parents and children, slaves and masters. So in verse 21 Paul gives this general principle and the call to submit to one another. Now does this suggest that wives are to take the lead and the husbands are to just sit back and let their wives lead? No. Listen close. It is a must that we get something right here or it all will fall apart. This submission in verse 21 has nothing to do with the order of authority or who has authority. God has already established those things. This general principle of mutual submission has to do with how that authority operates.

I'll give you two examples from Scripture. First the Apostle Paul. As an Apostle he was given quite a bit of authority. As an Apostle he was given what can be explained as apostolic authority over the churches. But Paul did not use his authority to lord over the churches or for any selfish reasons. There are times we certainly see that Paul asserts his authority over the churches as an Apostle. But at other times it appears that he lays down that authority to be a servant of all. In 1 Corinthians 16 Paul was defending himself and his authority as an Apostle.

But in verse 22 of that chapter he said to the weak I become weak that I might win the weak. I have become all things to all people that by all means I might save some. But did he ever surrender his authority as an Apostle? No. He had that authority while at the same time submitting to others as a servant. And then second our Lord Jesus. While he was on earth he was the son of God. Although he was fully man he was fully God 100% of the time while he was on earth. In John 13 13 Jesus said you call me teacher and Lord and you are right for I am. What is he affirming? His Lordship. But he became a servant.

When Jesus watched the feet of the disciples he taught them that the greatest among them is the one that serves others. In John 13 13 to 14 he said you call me teacher and Lord you are right for I am so. If then your Lord and teacher have washed your feet you also ought to wash one another's feet. But while he was on earth did he ever cease to be God the son with the authority of God the son? No. He had that authority while at the same time laying that authority aside and submitting himself as a servant to others. So look at what we have here in verse 21.

The general principle of submission one to another and the call to submit one to one another. I call this the surprise of mutual submission because so many have never even heard of it. And as you can see it is far more than submitting one to another as we live in the church. Now to help apply this general principle and to help us understand what this looks like I want to apply this now to the husband and the wife in those relationships. The Christian wife submits to her husband in all things because that is God's standard. Just as Christ is the head of the church her husband is head over her.

And she does these things not just because God says so. She does these things out of a love for God, out of a love for God's standard and out of a love for her husband. And she understands that in submitting to her husband she is submitting as unto the Lord. And that is what is best. Her husband is called of God to lead. He is seeking the Lord to lead and to lead her. He is better and better equipped to lead. She understands that she is not equipped of God to lead. She understands that she is not to lead because it is her husband's role and responsibility to lead. And the Christian husband.

The Christian husband submits to his wife as his helper, as his aide, as his assistant. Not because she has any authority over him, no. And not just because God says so. It is because he loves God. He loves God's standards here and because he loves his wife. And he sees that submitting to his wife is submitting out of reverence for Christ which is what is best. She is equipped to be his helper. She is equipped to be his aide and assistant. He understands that he is inadequate without her. Yes, he is inadequate and incomplete without her. He understands that he is incomplete without her as his helper and his aide alongside her.

He needs her to make him complete and to assist him as the head, as the leader of the marriage, of the home. Therefore, he submits to her. And look at how all of this comes together. This is why I read all of those verses earlier. If a born again believer is living the spirit filled, spirit controlled life like we see in Ephesians 5, 18, then they will be a submissive Christian in all of these things. Not perfectly, no. They might have to fight a lot of flesh and a lot of sin to do so. And look, I am calling you to study these things and to learn these things and to digest these things and come to the place where you understand them.

Sometimes folks, I teach on things where you are going to have to go do the work to understand it. And let me show you how the importance this is for some of you. Some of you have a cancer inside of your marriage and is eating away. Some of you have the missing ingredient. There is a missing ingredient in your marriage. And let me tell you what it is for some. It is this mutual submission. It is this mutual submission. So lesson number three, the general principle of mutual submission. And then lesson number four, I call this, "It's not about my rights. It's not about my rights.

It's about service motivated by love." Now here we must see that if we think about any of these things in terms of our rights, we lay aside a heart of love and service and we take up the flaming torch of competition. And we see this same heart attitude and behavior in the 12 disciples. On more than one occasion the disciples argued, they debated, and they discussed who was the greatest in the kingdom. In Matthew 18.1 the disciples came to Jesus and they were asking, "Who is the greatest in the kingdom?" In Luke 9.46 the disciples got into an argument about which of them was the greatest in the kingdom.

In Mark 9.33-34 they were discussing the matter as they were traveling to Capernaum. And after Jesus questioned them about what they were discussing, they remained silent. In verse 35 we see how Jesus responded. Verse 35 says, "As He sat down and He called the twelve, He said to them, 'If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and a servant of all.'" And we need to ask what was driving these things in the hearts of the disciples? It sure wasn't humility. It sure wasn't love. It sure wasn't a servant spirit. Their hearts were driven by pride. Their hearts were filled with envy. Their hearts were driven by self and selfishness.

They felt like they deserved to be great in the kingdom. So they were demanding their rights. So they were driven by competition instead of love and service. And just like with the disciples there are many husbands and wives who do not approach their marriage roles and relationships in love and with the church's heart. They approach these things with a spirit of competition demanding their rights and fighting for their rights. And their hearts are driven by what? Pride, envy, self and selfishness. They want to be first. They want to be the greatest. Could this be describing some of you? This is another cancer.

If that's left unchecked it will devour the church. Could this be some of you? But we must see that the Christian's approach in all of these things must not be about rights which leads to a flaming torch of competition between the husband and the wife. Look, the very minute, the very minute we allow competition to come into the relationship, love and service are out the door. Think about the example of Christ, specifically what we see in John 13. After Jesus and his disciples had just celebrated their last Passover together, the text says that Jesus tied a towel around his waist and he poured water into a basin.

And then he took the lowest of lowest of places. One by one he washed the disciples feet wiping them with the towel that was around his waist. Of course, we know Peter protested. Then after Jesus finished washing their feet and he returned to the table, he said to them, and I'm reading the verses, "Do you understand what I have done for you? You call me teacher and Lord and you are right, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another's feet. For I have given you an example that you also should do just as I have done for you or to you.

Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master nor a messenger greater than the one who sent him. If you know these things, blessed are you if you do them." And notice what Jesus was doing by his example and what he was calling his disciples to do here. He was calling them to be servants. He demonstrated servanthood and he was calling them to servanthood. And listen to what he says in verse 15 to 17 of John chapter 13, "For I have given you an example that you also should do just as I have done. Truly, truly, I say to you, a servant is not greater than his master nor a messenger greater than the one who sent him.

If you do these things, blessed are you if you do them." But what was the motive behind his servanthood? Look, if I could say it like this, what is the magic that makes this work? Love. Why did Jesus do these things? Love. And look, church, any service without love is drudgery. Any service without love, it is drudgery. It is simply heartless servitude. And think about it, if you don't love your career, it's drudgery. If you don't love service in the church, it's just servitude. And if you don't love service in the home, it is drudgery.

And Jesus told his disciples in John 14, 15, "If you love me, you will keep my commandments." And those disciples did love Jesus. And after they were filled with the Holy Spirit, they were enabled to keep his commandments and they were enabled and had the ability to be servants. And their motive behind all of their service was what? Love. They loved their Lord. And just like the disciples, if we are living the Spirit-filled, the Spirit-controlled life, we will love Jesus and we will strive to keep all of His commandments.

And we will seek to fulfill our roles and our responsibilities in the marriage out of love, out of love for Christ, out of a love for His standards, and out of a love for our spouse. So look at what we have here. We are either motivated by pride in the self and a desire to be first, which produces a husband or a wife that demands their rights, or we are motivated by love, a love for God and a love working within us that enables us to love His standards. And look, that produces a husband and a wife that just wants to be a servant. Now listen to you pastor here. For some of you here, you are carrying the torch of competition in your home.

You are carrying the torch of competition in your home and you are walking around demanding your rights. Listen, torches always burn people. Torches always burn folks. It's cancer, it's fire and it destroys. And the call for you this morning is not to carry the torch to put it down. The call for you this morning is to carry the towel and to put the towel around your waist. Jesus is calling you to put a towel around your waist and to serve your wife and to serve your husband out of love. You love God, you love these standards, you love these roles, you love these responsibilities, you love your wife, you love your husband, you love your home.

And look folks, this is the glue that holds it all together. Love. It's the healing medicine that will bring healing to all of these things. And look, the love here is what will put out the fire and kill all the competition. Now notice something I have not pointed out. When one is demanding their rights, they are terrible at mutual submission. When one is terrible at mutual submission, they are probably demanding their rights. And when one is in that trap, they abuse, they distort, and they destroy the God given roles and responsibilities that they do have. Lesson number four, it's not about our rights, it's about service motivated by love.

Now I want to close by pointing out how all of these messages come together and how all of this teaching is connected. And we need to keep it connected and we need to keep it connected in our mind and in our heart and in our study. We took three messages to learn what it means to be filled with the Spirit. We took our time there to learn what it means to live a Spirit controlled life. Listen, if you've listened to those messages and you've moved on, you are in sin. Go get those verses. Go get that teaching.

Lock yourself up with the Lord until you are confident that you are living a Spirit controlled life day by day, week by week, year by year. Then we looked at verses 22 to 24 and what I call the role of Christian wives. Do not try to approach the roles if you're not Spirit filled. If you're not Spirit filled, you're flesh filled. And then you will abuse the teaching and go and study verses 22 to 24. Make sure it is in your understanding and you're seeking to live these things out. In the next week we'll start verses 25 to 33, the role of the Christian husband.

And I'm sure it will take us two, three, however many messages it takes to cover all of this adequately. But right here, sandwiched in the middle between the wife and the husband and those roles and responsibilities, this morning we have examined four critical lessons. The buck stops here. God's created order, the surprise of mutual submission and it's not about our rights. And I believe these lessons are much needed, much needed. As a matter of fact, if the Lord brings a few more to the table, we'll examine those as well. So the title of the message, Lessons on the Roles of Wives and Husbands. Let's pray.

Let's commit these things to the Lord and then we'll sing a song of worship and praise.